I don't believe in race mixing. It's too dangerous to have NASCAR and Indy cars on the same track. Those rednecks would shred their dainty racing cousins but they would never kiss 'em though. All those Brazilians would get eaten alive with everyone thinking they all get waxed down there. But who knows, maybe Bubba has a grudging respect for the pain one goes through having hair torn from the root. The potential ingrown hairs and that day of extreme sensitivity one endures for days afterward. That takes some fortitude. Then again I don't know how effective it would be to show my bald junk to a crew pipe swingin hicks. Most would just laugh at me anyway because I'm balding down there. I tried the comb-over but that wasn't fooling anyone. It's a trait most common with the Portuguese descendants in Brazil which is probably what motivates them to wax themselves and drive real fast in the first place. So really in the interest of public safety it's best to keep separate aggressive bald balled Brazilian Indy car drivers and flag waving muscle NASCAR's. Keep these races separate.
All of you know the only guaranteed way of avoiding a screamig brat of your own flesh and blood or screaming while you pee is to stroke not poke. You see teens like things that rhyme, that's why they like hip hop, hugs and drugs. The most effective way to keep teens from having explosive orgasms,mind blowing shivers and sensations you never knew existed is to make slogans.
- You can rock out with your cock out but this coos here is blocked out.
- Stroke don't poke cuz the clap's no joke.
- Leave his bone alone you won't be screamin on the throne.
- High five the guys for NOT getting in her thighs.
- You want to get her from behind, bear in mind, syph-il-is can make you blind.
Fellow abstinence enthusiast Erika contributed:
- If you want to join our gang, you can't hit that sweet poontang.
- Keep your dipstick outta the oil lest ye find your loins a boil.
- Girls have a hole, guys have a pole, wicked touching takes it's toll.
Juanalingus threw his hat in the ring:
- You really like a hot tight fannie? Why don't you kids just bag a trannie.
You too can contribute to the cause with your own slogan. Just Remember, only get on your knees for Jesus
This is a reprint of a random e-mail my mate Zina Brown wrote to us years ago. It still holds after all these years.
greetings and salivations...
this is your brain reporting from sunny madagascar, where the men are men and the old ladies drink liquid cocaine with their steamed monkey. And those monkeys!DAMN THOSE MONKEYS! no really i love the monkeys..ask anyone. a band of renegade jesuits took over the capital bulding here yesterday at approx. 7:20 a.m., burning sections of the two-century old building withtheir flaming spit and taking and estimated 18 hostages.
a short list of demands has been given to the authorities, and your brain has managed to obtainan exclusive copy...1) one suitcase containing $15 million in unmarked $100bills. 2) one bulletproof limosine, full tank of gasoline. 3) pamela anderson lee. 4) one boeing 747 containing- full tank of fuel, one pilot, one co-pilot, one 20,000 watt high-end soundsystem, one internationally celebrated DJ, one green party laser, one disco ball, arrangement of assorted flashing "disco-tech" lights, 1 1/2 pounds of pure cocaine, 50 bottles of good tequila, 6 boxes cuban cigars (havana variety), and cous-cous. LOTS of cous-cous, the kind with the little carrots in it, you know..oh and a bag of...what,shakir? ...glazed onuts? oh, doughnuts. glazed doughnuts. from america. 5) one pony6) no wait! a giraffe! we want a giraffe! 7) and a gold statue of Jesus! a twenty foot solid gold jesus...carved by michaelangelo with diamonds for eyes. 8) 9 magical rings that will make us better looking...and stronger, but not too much , just like maybe the strength of 3 men...what?... okay, ten men. the strength of ten men...and be able to become invisible and we cannot die while wearing these rings...wait, we cannot die even if we are not wearing the rings, in case we lose a finger...and fly! we can always fly whenever we want at the speed of light! and shoot lazer beams from our eyes! HAHAHAHAHA! and mind control over everyone! and sex with beautiful women all the time!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! and we will live in a palace made out of jewels! and have servants, who arebeautiful women, bring us cake! and..what?...oh, and we will be entertained by clowns, beautiful women and monkeys.
9) if you do not meet these demands, one hostage, everyhour, will be sent home with a stern lecture and and a note regarding their unacceptable behavior.
This has been Your Brain reporting. Good Day.
Although the issue of plastic pants vis a vis mass transportation has not been addressed by American courts, the courts have ruled extensively on the issue of rubber pants. In the case of Stanley vs the state of Connecticut, the court clearly stated that rubber pants may in fact be justifiable cause for refusing service on mass transportation routes. In a landmark 5-4 Supreme court decision, Justice Kennedy wrote the majority opinion. In his opinion he stated: "While Americans have the right to express themselves through their clothing, the government has an equal and at times superior right to protect its institutions. As mass transportation is funded by the state, the state can in fact regulate the pant material it allows on transit routes."
Although this case deals exclusively with rubber pants, there does seem to be precedent for refusing service for plastic pants as well.
The Bore Corps hotline has the great fortune to being one number different to the public transit number. This affords us the opportunity help those taking the train or the bus without having to be correct. We do try to be correct but sometimes top priority is just breaking monotony. Most of the time we just give folks directions but this being a public service anyone can call. One lady claimed 411 doesn't exist anymore and if we could look up a listing for her. That was a though one, we told
Another fellow asked if the driver would let him on if he was wearing plastic pants. That requires a little more thought. Most of the time a boy should be able to wear what he'd like but if they are clear plastic and he didn't get his waxing this month we may lean on the no side. Public transport hasn't weighed in on their candy raver stance so all little candies will just have to keep up that massage until then. Science hasn't tested the chafing properties of plastic trouser on vinyl seat covering nor has the wear on skin from said friction been taken into account. These are vital issues from important sides of the debate whose voices need to be heard before a clear decision can be reached.
The national council on Plastic and PVC leg wear could not be reached as of publishing time though they tend to err on the side of plastic pants on any mode of transport. In the case of Neiemi vs. The City of Helsinki, Finnish courts ruled in favor of the ecstasy dealer who claimed he needed to look the part to ply his trade. Though he was allowed to ride their buses he was denied the tax break on fare for business expenses since ecstasy was illegal even in Finland. Sensing the lost cause of a drug dealer's lawsuit he went for the most obscure loophole by any legal system's standards: the one that grants damages to anyone denied public service already paid for. Even the judge was flabbergasted having to rule in favor of that little sparkle puss because though he was allowed on he had asked the driver if the route he was on was the 666, being that that was wrong route number for where they were (they were on the 668) and the driver didn't give the correct number (late night) he was in effect denying public service to one wearing plastic pants. This is the only precedent set by an international court. That precedent may be recognized in European courts but American courts can be stubborn about international laws.
Though rare, there is room for debate on polymeric trousering on public transportation. When discussion can form around rare topics only positivity can emerge. So in effect if you are wearing plastic pants and desire public transportation, international law is on your side. For now.
Welcome my friends and neighbors to The Dependent Republic of Funkistan (Hail!). More to come from this mystical and legendary place.
